Drugs, Violence, Sex and Dreams

I had just decided to end my life. I wasn’t suicidal – I wanted to live – but I had just consciously made a decision that I knew would destroy my entire life. The homeless girl I had met an hour before was sitting next to me in my car holding a lighter beneath a spoon. I watched the sappy brown globs melt into the drops of bottled water. The mix boiled and fizzled and the flame stopped. She brought the points out from her pocket and I made sure to examine them. They looked clean, but what did I know. A large part of me didn’t care. I didn’t feel normal. But what was normal?

I couldn’t understand why I could never keep my pockets full. One minute I had bills and change stuffed in there – and the next there was nothing but waterlogged pieces of paper and sand grains from Hapuna beach. That always happened.

The homeless girl searched up and down my arms. I saw many nice blue streams but she kept insisting that they would roll to the side. Finally she settled on one halfway up my bicep. I barely noticed it – but she said it was perfect. She told me to sit still and not move. I felt nervous energy shooting through me, putting an unbearable amount of pressure on my solar plexus. If I died they would probably find me slumped over my steering wheel, my face white and my legs blue and red. All my money would be gone and I’d be all alone in a church parking lot outside of a city that I didn’t live in.

I felt the prick. It didn’t hurt but I was so scared that I probably wouldn’t have flinched if a knife had been thrusted into my leg. Was it really going to feel like a thousand orgasms and more? I watched her unload the brown soup and I waited. My head was already spinning when I started to feel it. “Uhhhnnnnnn…..” It was initially the same sensation as an orgasm in my stomach, and then I felt it quickly loop up my chest, down my arms and then shoot into my brain. “Uhhhhnnnnnnnnnn oohh fuck…..” I didn’t feel scared anymore, or tired or upset that the $18,000 my parents had just spent on my drug rehabilitation had just diffused, like my blood, into that needle.

I fell back in my seat and felt myself melt into the fabric. With my eyes half open I only barely noticed her shoot herself up in her thigh. All the veins in her arm had long since collapsed.

Time was blurred. I don’t know how much time passed before two of her friends showed up. They were skinny, tall and strung out. They spoke with my homeless enabler for a few minutes and then came over to my window. They didn’t say anything. One of them looked at me and smiled as he ran his tongue across his bottom lip. He said “I want you to come with me. Don’t worry, we just wanna see you.”

I was confused and buzzed but didn’t feel any apprehension as I stumbled out of my car and left with the two men, one of them guiding me towards the church. There was a crawl space underneath the white structure with only one entrance. We ducked into the narrow space and then settled on an old sleeping bag that lay strewn across the dirty ground.

“I want to fuck you” the stringy hair guy said to me – running his hands up and down my torso. I didn’t say anything, but I didn’t resist. I tried to focus on him, but my eyes kept rolling up to my forehead. He pulled my pants off and then started grabbing my ass through my underwear. His friend kneeled behind me, running his hands through my hair. I heard the stringy haired guy’s belt buckle snap off. He pulled his pants off and pulled out a big, thick dick.

“I’ve never done this before I don’t know…” I said semi-consciously.

“Oh but that doesn’t matter” he said as he pulled my underwear down over knees and then off of my feet.

He ran his dick up and down my ass. I closed my eyes and started dreaming of a giant field of Chamomile flowers. My cold, dark surroundings faded away and I was running in the warm sunlight. The flowers, like beaming stars, gently struck my ankles as I ran faster and faster, my hair rippling back in the humid air.

His dick was in my ass and he was already fucking me before I realized it. I thought that it probably hurt and that he was probably doing damage to my insides, but I couldn’t tell. “Oh, your doing so good” he whispered, sweating and biting his lip as he stared in my sleepy eyes. “Yeah, you’re doing so good” he said again and again in between shivers. His friends dick was touching me head. I could feel him moving it back and fourth through my hair.

The guy fucking me pushed my legs farther back and started fucking me at a different angle. Now I could feel the long, fast strokes deep in my guts. I, for the first time, realized that I was breathing hard. My body was going through all the motions of sex – I just wasn’t aware of it.

He started fucking me harder and harder. The guy behind me was jacking off right above my face – his knuckles hitting my nose every few tugs. I could tell the guy between my legs was going to finish. He thrusted so deeply into me that my whole body moved back. Then he pulled it out and was about to burst onto me when I heard the roar of a distant lawnmower. I was surrounded by blue sky and the Chamomile flowers again. In the distance I could see my father waving his arms at me and smiling like we hadn’t seen each other in ages. I called out his name but no sound came from my mouth. I didn’t feel sad, I was going to run up and hug him soon, but first I wanted to pick a few of the flowers that rolled in the winds like a sea around me, preparing to inundate me.