The End
I have been feeling depressed lately. Life seemingly has no meaning – although I know that it must. I have spent hours and hours of my time searching youtube – watching hours of video about spirituality and God and his existence or lack thereof.
Overall, I am feeling unfulfilled. I seek sexual attention from others, hoping that their desire to be with me and have me will quench my insatiable thirst. I have done this with escorting the last 9 months – and, as would be expected, this method has failed me. In fact, it has done much more than fail me. It has thrown gasoline into the flames.
I just walked over to Borders, hoping that reading books would refocus my mind and help me forget my anxieties. While there I was suddenly struck with an idea that I have been fighting off for months now – how in the fuck do I expect to get better when I am a whore?
And not just a metaphorical whore, but an actual whore.
I got into this is the first place because I was lazy and thought it would be the best way to make money while in turn doing the least work. In that sense I succeeded. A little over a hundred hours of work has brought me somewhere between 20 and 25 thousand dollars of hard, undivided cash.
And yet I feel terrible. Because deep down I do not want to be a whore. I do not want to be a commodity. I do not want to be a mindless body that older men jack off to.
Often I enjoy fucking clients. Sometimes it is a so-so experience. Other times it is completely miserable.
I have sold myself out, allowed disgusting men to suck me off, jack me off and feel my insides. And for what? Money? I don’t even need money! Sure, it’s nice to have it, but I have done little with it other than pay my rent and buy groceries and drinks on the weekend.
I’m a man. I’m not a kid anymore. I can’t brush off my actions as immaturity or exploration because I know better and I was raised better.
I am a gay man living in an unaccepting (though improving) world. And while it may be a double standard, gay men are looked down upon more for promiscuity, drug usage and prostitution – perhaps because many expect it.
I want to be a healthy gay man. I want to set a good example. I have already fallen into the trap of drug addiction. I pulled myself out, only to discover the equally deep hole that sex and money can dig.
I am terrified for my future. I don’t know how I will make money now. Of course I will get a job, but the money won’t be even remotely as good – atleast not for years. For once, I will actually have to drag my ass through life.
I’m good looking. I’m a good person. I’m smart. I know these things. There has to be a place for me in this world, and prostitution is not it.
I am not denouncing other escorts. If someone can do it and look in the mirror without feeling shame, more power to them. But I am not that kind of person. I am not that strong and I don’t have the spiritual and emotional foundation neccessary to carry out a double life without regret.
I have lied to every person I know. I will never be able to openly discuss what I did in the last 9 months – not to my friends, my family, my future children, anybody. So, in a sense, I will always have to lie about it, but atleast I’m closing this awful chapter to my life and hopefully opening up something immensely more fulfilling – a life where people like me for more than my looks and where sex is as sacred and powerful as it is meant to be.
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Cyrus, good for you, my friend! I think you know that I have never judged your choices, but I am going to say that THIS choice is the smartest, bravest, wisest one you’ve ever made. You really are the things you say: good and smart and handsome. And young! So very young! Money is great, but I’d rather be poor and in love than rich and alone. You seem to have come to the same realisation, and you are lucky enough to be in a position to eventually have BOTH. I want to add that what you say about wanting to be ‘a healthy gay man’ is really wonderful. I know you mean healthy in every sense, and I hope you are able to do that. Best of luck to you, Cyrus, and congratulations. (p.s. keep posting…we’re interested in YOU, not just the sex.)
Interesting. Now you will be able to test your mettle as a man.
Cyrus….you are at the place i was recently. I didn’t get paid so that just made me a slut…not a whore. I know the emptiness you are feeling. I thought I would find comfort and a way to fill my void…and I kind of did. I felt desired….and beautiful….and then I started feeling used. I realized that I was just another one…and that there was nothing special about me to these men…not that I wasn’t special. I needed to take a break from the random sex and put that life behind me. To be honest – its not all been great…I miss sex – and to be honest – I have been SICK since I gave it up! hahaha. I think my body is in shock. Hang in there. You are making a wise decision – and you know you are awesome. You also know I care about you TONS! So keep writing….don’t dissapear – and keep in touch! Or I will worry! ((big hugs))
Constance – You always were the most honest and had the most common sense. Thanks. Not only is my decision validated (as I knew it would be), but it’s nice to hear that I don’t need to write posts about my sex life any more. And part of me can’t believe that I ever did. In all truth, this is very uncharacteristic of me.
Thanks for being a faithful reader. And a friend, in whatever sense two bloggers can become friends.
Mr C – The invisible hand finally appears. And yes, it is time to become a man. No more transparent, self-serving bullshit. I always knew that, just never did anything about my actions.
SpankingBarbie – On top of my escorting I was also quite promiscuous, so I got to deal with being both a whore and a slut! I’m happy hearing you relate a similar experience, it makes me feel better. And while you may have disliked ending the sex, I am feeling great! Honestly I haven’t felt as peaceful in years as I do right now. It feels great knowing I’m making the right decision. And no, I won’t leave, I just need to decide if I want to keep this stupid blog name.
My thoughts and prayers are with you on this journey. I hope amazing things start happening for you. I’ll remain a loyal reader as long as you’ll write.
CHB…..I’m not disliking ending the random sex…I am just seeking a stable person who actually cares about me to have that awesome sex with.
You’ll be okay. I know you know this, but I’m telling you anyways.
Life is long, no matter how short everyone wants to say it is.
It’s long and you have all the time in the world to figure out where you belong, or what you are doing.
By this time next year you’ll probably have something that is on the complete opposite end of the spectrum you’re at now to be depressed about.
You’re feeling unfulfilled.. it happens. Even if you had been working a shitty job at Ross for the past nine months, you’d probably feel empty.
Shit happens, and then thoughts, and then feelings of wrong doing.
There will always be a time, no matter how short or long it is, where you will feel whole. It will eventually go away again, but then it will come back.
It’s the cycle of this long, interesting life.
Take it as it comes.
Having the ability to be depressed or feel disgusting just means you are that much more alive.
I’m so glad you made such a good wise decision.
You really made me cry.
You’ll be fine, you’ll find that special someone and you’ll find what is meant for you.
I wish you luck and you have my prayers if you believe in them.
A big hug
Good going! If you’re not enjoying whoring it makes a lot of sense to stop. A world without sex-for-pay can be just as exciting and satisfying. All the best, E xo
You write very movingly…….. I understand your anxieties about life and hauling arse through it…….. You’re in an anxious phase, it’s a good thing you can be so introspective and start to rearrange your goals and priorities:)
I am really proud of you. You’re making the change to become something you want to be, and not letting yourself fall deep into a type of person you’re obviously not. That takes a lot of guts. Which most people do not have, and they just let things happen to them; becoming a person they never intended to be. I am glad that you can look in the mirror and see something more than what you were for the last 9 months. You’re future is going it to be long-and-bright, as well as beautiful: just as you are.
Addie – Thanks for the comment. I’ll keep writing.
SB – Even better. I am going to try reclaim my virginity…
Naomi – I think I would feel even worse than a whore if I had been working at Ross for 9 months.
And while I do agree with you, I think that there comes in a time in many peoples lives where they do feel whole. Sure, they have problems and anxieties and self-esteem issues to some extent, but they truly discover themselves and become happy with who they are. I’m probably decades away from that, but it’s better than being centuries away as a prostitute.
Nate – I do wish I believed in prayers. But I am still open to absorbing them. Thanks, and I can’t wait to find my special someone.
Emerald – Yes, it can be. Whoring is exciting, but so is everything else worth doing. I feel more vulnerable, and that in itself is exciting.
Tom – This is true. I think a prescription to alprazolam might also help a little.
Ed – Aw, Ed! Thanks. Your comment really does make me feel good.
I only recently discovered your blog, which I found very intriguing and fascinating. Reading that last post actually makes me feel better about humanity, believe it or not. lol! It shows me that there are still people out there who can make life choices and be honest with themselves. It takes LOTS of courage to write what you wrote, but it shows that in spite of your young age, you have lots of maturity. I’m not much older than you, but I can tell you have what is called wisdom.
As others have said, you should keep blogging cause we’re interested about your stories, and not necessarily your sex stories!
This blog has been a very interesting one to follow. I’ve never commented on it before, but since this seemed like such an important post, I figured it might as well be time.
I initially found this blog after reading “Assuming the Position”, a memoir on prostitution whose author is escaping me right now. What interested me much more than the lurid accounts of gay sex and over the top clients was the psychological effects of such a career on a person. Sex, for me, is wonderful, but the inner workings of the human mind are infinitely more fascinating.
I basically see your blog as a more contemporary version of that book, at least in my experience of it. I hope you don’t take offense to my saying that, as I actually was pleasantly surprised by the emotional complexity that I found in both book and blog. Now that you’re done with your, ahem, “work”, I’m just as interested to hear more about you. Sex is only a surface amusement, something to entice the reader, but what really stays with you (or at least, with me) are the genuine reactions of a real human being.
P.S. On a side note, I’m about the same age as you (probably younger actually), and was strongly considering a similar career path during college, especially under economic pressure that everyone’s under. However, I’m starting to rethink that…we’ll see.
I never judged you when you were taking it up the arse for money, so I’m not going to reward you with praise for heading in a different direction. I’m going to love and respect you for the person you are all the time, and safe and happy travels xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
The lying is the hardest part of being a hooker. Its not having sex with people you are not attracted to, its lying to friends and family and people you care about. No one tells you this when you get into the sex for money biz, you learn it along the way.
We all need to make our own choices and if you have found your path more power to you, whether that is to continue in this business or to walk away, only YOU know whats right for you. I hope you continue writing, You turn a phrase well and are an original thinker.
i do think you need to cut yourself some slack though, youre very hard on yourself. i think you are judging yourself more harshly then anyone else would or does.
All the best
Jenny
I’m not very good at pep talks. I can’t tell you if you’re making the right decision. Only you can decide that for yourself. I try not to place a moral judgement on someone’s occupation. The only measure if it is right for you is: how do you feel?
if it helps any, you’re still a total hottie, boystud
Hugs and kisses for you!
You know where to find me if ever you need a sympathetic ear.
You are amazing, and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Your blog is one of my absolute favourites and you have a real talent for writing, even if you don’t decide to pursue it.
Good luck with everything, you’ll feel a little lost at first but I’m sure (more than sure!) that everything will work out in the end and you’ll get your happy ending.
Please keep blogging. I’ll miss you otherwise!
Lots of love
xxxxxx
nah i reckon get back into the xanax…………… haha *wink*
wow! good luck with everything
j
Cyrus:
I am proud of you. You are being true to who you are. You are the things you describe…good looking [what you've let us see of you!], smart, funny, a good person, who can be an example for MANY others. And yes, you are a man. A maturing man. And a good man.
I have hesitated to put up this comment, but let me make an offer. I am a gay man who is also a spiritual adviser. I am in a committed relationship and am not trying to hit on you. But if you would like someone to talk some of these issues through with, drop me a note at the e-mail address I have attached. I can then give you a phone number if you want to talk, or we can just e-mail. I can be someone you can talk some of these issues with and not have to lie. I have read most of your posts. (Found them fun to read). Anyway, contact me if you want to talk. Hope you find peace.
Blessings.
Rolfe
All of us who have lived lives where we had to hide something from those who love us know the feeling when you finally don’t have to lie anymore.
I so respect and honor you for the decision to remake your life. I know you will do it. I know it will be hard. I know that someday you will look back and know that it is all good.
I believe in the ultimate triumph of good and honesty and love. You are on your way to the life you want. We are all with you.
Max
You don’t know me and I don’t really know you, but that being said here’s some thoughts:
You say that you won’t be able to speak of this part of your life and that may be true.
But I hope you can, someday, find people that you can speak of this part of your life openly and safely with who won’t run away or judge or hate you.
People who will celebrate you and your journey and will refuse to do anything less than love you.
I know that if we did know each other me, my family and friends would embrace you and walk through life with you.
Praying for you, “Cyrus”.
another thing:
leave this blog up. it’s a testament to your journey.
Hi there,
I understand how you feel. Write me at the email addy I gave you above. I’d like to chat with you and maybe provide a glimmer of light.
Adam
rag – Thank you. And again, it’s good to hear that.
anominous – Thanks. As as for you pursuing escorting, I would advise against it. If you got the looks, first try another way of making money – like getting a job, or , if you’re lazy, modeling or stripping. I always thought that stripping was a step down from escorting, but everyone else in the world feels that escorting is the bottom of the barrell.
It makes good money but, unless you are an incredibly happy person, you may regret it. I didn’t dislike it at first, and I still don’t, but it does leave you feeling pretty shitty after 6 months or so.
DB – thank you for your reward and praise. and yes, someone who escorts can still be respected and loved. I don’t mean to imply that escorts are like lawyers and pond scum.
jenny – I think you’re right. Naturally, you assume that people judge you harshly for being an escort, but thats a more conservative societal standard. And yes, the hardest part is lying, because then it begin to feel secretive and dirty.
x – fuck me
amy – thanks amy! But I don’t think I’m going anywhere. I still will try to blog. I’m a ReformedHookerBoy now, if only I could change my domain, which I’m not.
tom – Ever try vicodin?
jay – thanks.
Rolfe – I’ll continue e-mailing you
Max – So interesting that you said “believe in the ultimate triumph of good and honesty and love.” I have been trying to figure that out in my head for a week now, it’s the one spiritual thing that I want to believe in, I’m just havong a hard time finding corroborative evidence.
quiet – well I actually have some firneds now who basically know the whole truth, and a few that know half or quarter truths. I will tell people in my future, but I can never tell my family or future family. I think thats a given.
And I will keep the blog up.
Adam – Ok, I’ll write you now.
fyi – 15K-20K is not much money for 9 months of work… in any occupation. you can and will make more in another field. don’t kid yourself that it was about money
bitch,
Of course it was about the money, unless you want to use some Freudian psychology on me.
gladly
you sure use “I” alot in your blogging…i mean, like, all the time. i’m not sure, but your life sounds pretty decent. maybe you should consider helping some other young guys that might need a helping hand: spend your money on somebody else, like. sounds like a lot of folks have spent money on you.
Chris
You use “like” a lot in your comments.
And you’re right, it wasn’t that bad. And sure, I’d love to be able to give all my money away to a poor, young, down on his luck youth who’s high in testosterone.
Sweet Cyrus, you will make it, you will make money and you will make your way in this world.
There is no reason to be ashamed. You made a choice; now you made yet another one. More are to come.
People make trade-offs everyday. You did not sugar coat your reasons, so lift your head.
People will always want you for sex-you are sexy-but some will see past the wrappings to the yummy center.
Trust me.
I’m proud of you. I haven’t been around lately because I also haven’t been working… I actually graduate soon, and I may have actually found a real job. Sometimes the lure of this money, of maybe a good fuck, that’s so addicting too. but you’re right that it’s often not money. And even when I feel like I’m using them (dude, I could get them for free, but they have to pay for me!), it is like ruining your soul.